Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Working Girl

cindy sherman, working girl


Back to work with baby. A room full of babies, and my baby. My arms full of babies, and my baby. My breasts full of milk for my baby. All day telling myself you are so lucky you are so lucky you are so lucky I am not leaving my baby with someone else, to hold her , swaddle her, rock to her, show her the small awakenings of Spring. I am there. I count the differences like ominous pox marks: I cannot hold her all day, I cannot sling her, I cannot nurse her on demand, I cannot respond to her every movement and noise as though we are one being; these things are how I know to be a mother, but now I am a working girl. At work I am watched. When I leave they sidle in and ask: How is it going? Meaning: Is she still doing her job? I know I am because of the hard pit in my stomach all day, because when I look at Ever she is often not one foot away from my face with her sweet breath in my nose, but lying on the floor/rocking in swing/bouncing in the seat. I juggle her needs the same as I juggle the other baby needs in the infant room. Same/Same. Mr. Curry comforts me and holds me when I cry that it's all so different and he told me She's getting the best of you and God, I hope that's true.
Lora said...

It's so hard to go back to work, no matter what your job and where your child. Love to you both as you figure all this out.

Bethany said...

tough stuff.
wonderful writing and flow.
Mr Curry is right.
Hang in there.

Kristin Hjellegjerde said...

How wonderfully explained. I can definitely recognize myself. I have two small boys...and wondering will I have enough in me for a third?
But it is all a wonderful blessing, lots of love and laughter as well as tears and tiredness.
All the best:)

Terresa said...

The juggling act that is life.

Comfort when you cry, that's
a good thing, very good to have a Mr. Curry around. He's a keeper methinks.

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

Maggie, I worked until Becca (daughter number 3) was almost a year old. At that point I wasn't making enough to afford childcare so I decided to stay home. We sacrificed an income we desperately needed. Wait a minute--who am I kidding-I was hardly making anything at that point. But anyway-I remember all too well what you are feeling. I was nursing and my breasts would ache, my heart would ache--but the children were happy and fed and loved. This is a juggling that only mothers understand.
Hang in there because it gets easier as they get older, as I know you know.
The only thing that matters is what we do with the time that we do have with them, one on one.
I agree with MR. Curry. And it just seems like your style to always give your best to your children. They are lucky to have you.
xo

Ms. Moon said...

It's true, baby. Believe your husband. It's true.
But god, I know it's hard.

Petit fleur said...

I can't imagine how hard that is... Our mothering styles if you want to call it that are very similar. I am pretty sure I'd struggle with it just as you are.

Hang in there Maggie. As she gets older, it should get easier. That's my instinct... and my most heartfelt wish.
xoxo

my3littlebirds said...

First this stage, then onto the next. You are doing your best.

Middle Child said...

As long as that baby can see you she will be okay - down through history women worked...only the rich could afford not to. For many the household jobs were so onerous and time consuming many babies only got to look at their mothers from cots and baskets while the women did stuff that had to be done - she knows already you love her

Melinda Owens said...

Trust...it's true. She's getting the best because you're giving the best, for your family. You can do this.

Angie Muresan said...

Mr. Curry is right. Still, I feel your pain. Love and hugs to you.

Elizabeth said...

Ugh. I imagine this to be the hardest damn thing. But Mr. Curry must be right, and it'll be better and then it'll be fine and you'll know it, too. I KNOW it.

Darcy said...

oh maggie. i am sorry you are going through this.

Therese said...

Maggie, this make my heart ache. It goes against every instinct, every insistent hormone flowing through your mother-blood. I wish it could be different.
Mr. Curry is correct, and so are you to soak up that comfort. Ever is blessed. Just remember, you carry this burden, it is your sacrifice, not hers. She is held so tightly in the grip of her family's love. It is more than enough. Trust me.

Mwa said...

It's the hardest thing. Over here, they would insist on Ever being in a different creche or at least a different group. It's nice that you get to be near her.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Love you, Maggie. All the babies are lucky to have you.

Laura said...

Definitely feel lucky you get to work with your baby near you. You can see her and touch her and comfort her. I would LOVE that!! It would be hard to have to treat all the kids equally though. But atleast she gets your full attention every evening.

Jessica said...

I remember my first week back to work. It was tough. Very tough. Just remember that you are doing what is best right now for your family. This is all temporary and will end very soon.

Phoenix said...

Hang in there, it's not always gonna be like this. But while it IS like this, know that you are doing your best and that is always, always going to be enough.

justmakingourway said...

Of course it's true, sweet Maggie. Of course it is.

All This Trouble... said...

I always admired the mothers at Sam's daycare for doing just what you do. I didn't understand then but I do now. Now, I'm the nurse at their school. Bringing home less than a thousand bucks a month but ever present in their lives. Ever vigilant. Ever available. And isn't that what a good parent is? Good parents can't fix all things but they can be with you through everything. If they will.

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