Monday, March 28, 2011

zac efron and contraception

- Exhaustion finally caught up with me. Ever wakes anywhere from 2 to 6 times a night to nurse. The two times nights are good. The six, not so. So. Tired. The laundry is epic, spilling over in the hallways like an orphanage. Ever's toys, swings, bouncy chair, play mat, etc have taken over the house. Mr. Curry was woken up twice the other night by unidentified toys turning themselves on. In other news, I was woken up twice the other night by turning myself on. I had a long epic dream about my husband and zac efron. Is that wrong? I sat behind zac and drew a heart on his neck with lipstick, then told him I feel like Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in Top Gun, except I am way hotter than Kelly McGillis! And everyone watching us ( don't ask ) stood up and applauded. ? ? ?....
- When I'm worrying about something small, something completely insignificant in the scheme of things, 90% of the time I will get a flash of something horrible, something like illness and premature death and I will think What an idiot you are! Then I will wonder what life would be like if we existed, all of us, in perfect non-worry and only mused on significant matters. What would happen if no one worried about anything that wasn't really, really important? What would the world look like? Would we all look like bankers?
-Mr. Curry and I had sex last night. This in itself is worthy of a bulletin point on my list. It was the first time we have gone in a room ALONE and closed the door and had sex since Ever was born. Angels wept, clouds parted, Woody Allen blew his nose and said that life couldn't be all neurosis and tragedy, could it? And then, the condom broke. The entire tip of the condom fell off and we had no idea until we had a really GOOD idea. And by then, it was too late.
-So today, Mr. Curry, Ever Elizabeth and I headed to the Kaiser pharmacy for a morning after pill. The pharmacist, who looked amazingly like the old farmer in Babe, explained to me that this pill was not for the use of birth control, but for emergency only. I adjusted my hips. Well, I explained, just as carefully, my husband and I have a brand new baby and last night we had sex and the entire tip of the condom broke off. So it was an emergency. He turned beet red and snorfled his nose and stared at the rectangular package as he put it in the bag and agreed that, yes, that counted as a contraceptive emergency. Mr. Curry said afterward that all the Babe pharmacist was probably thinking was you recently had sex! you recently had sex! vagina, vagina vagina! I think that's generous, and he was probably thinking All I wanted was a bagel for lunch and instead I have to hear about this girl's broken condom. I hate my job.
Josey said...

ROFLMAO. Oh my gosh Maggie, only you. That is awesome - and if he didn't want the explanation, he shouldn't have said anything! It's not like you were a 16 year old asking for the morning after pill. Good Lord.

In related news - YAY FOR SEX!!!! Happy for you (and Zac Efron). LOL

I <3 Top Gun, and when my younger brother was here last week, it was on TV so we started watching it - and he ASKED ME WHAT MOVIE IT WAS. I realized it came out before he was born. Crap.

Petit fleur said...

You made my whole day Maggie... and possibly my week with that story!

I love you to bits.
xo

clearness said...

I love that you posted this story. It made me laugh and, I bet he was thinking about you naked.

Alli Easley said...

I'm pregnant with our little "whoops the condom broke off" baby as we speak, as you know, Maggie. Lola turned 1 two Saturdays ago and here I sit, due in 4 weeks. Just live vicariously through me right now as you enjoy your peace of mind.

Ms. Moon said...

Maggie- This was beautiful. And I have only one thing to say- I believe that the pharmacist probably thought, "All I wanted was a bagel for lunch and instead I have to hear about this girl's broken condom. I LOVE my job. Vagina, vagina, vagina. Breasts."

adrienne said...

hysterical. so glad you have the gumption to tell an assuming man what's up.

funny that you dreamt of top gun...you saw my jellfish post, right? check out poseidon more closely, and see if you recognise him...!

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

Yay for the sex!! Yayyyy! I would give anything for a good Zac Efron/room-full-of-people-clapping/Top Gun dream and an actual moment alone with my husband!
I think the pharmacist was thinking "vagina, vagina, vagina" ALONG with his lunch. Don't most men think about boobies, vaginas and lunch? HA!! xo

erin said...

I had my tubes tied after we had Elijah and now every time we have sex I fantasize we're making another baby.

We have sex everyday, pretty much.

So I'm a bit baby crazy, so what?

Claire Beynon said...

Oh Maggie - I do so love your candour! (or 'candor' as it's spelled in the US). Love to you & your wonderful, real-as-real family, Claire xo

6512 and growing said...

I LOVED this post. Thanks for the smiles. I think you're doing great, absolutely great.

*also, I've spent much of the day stressing on my terribly insignificant problems.

Phoenix said...

Honestly - if a pharmacist is not only going to get embarrassed but also attempt to take the moral high ground while doling out the medication he's supposed to, he should just quit his day job and go back to judging people from the back of a church.

Harumph. (That's my soap box for the day.)

And YAY and huge high fives for sex.

Sara said...

Maggie, my tea just shot out of my nose. I used to work in a pharmacy back in high school, and our purest joy was getting our friends to spin wildly lascivious tales for the pharmacists, who were all old, all very intent on their sandwiches.

Except, sometimes, when they were eating their sandwiches, they were also making vaginal suppositories in their little crucibles. I do believe they were always thing "vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina."

Hannah Stephenson said...

Yeah, that's amazing :).

The pharmacist thought to himself, "ah, to be young and in love..."

NodToStyle said...

what's with pharmacists and docs looking like that farmer? crazy stuff. also: broken condoms make for such a bad day ;)

Millie said...

I'd be shooting off a lawyers letter to the condom Manufacturers to complain about the Quality Control of their product & the pain & suffering you were put through at the Pharmacy by Mr. Moral Crusader. Let them know that an out-of-court settlement of oh say something in the vicinity of $2m. would end the matter quickly.
Millie x

Elizabeth said...

Oh, good God. I'm glad we live in the US of A and you could get that pill and be done with it with a story to tell.

Michele R said...

Wait, why are we assuming here? He could have been thinking about penis, penis.
Too funny!!

Marion said...

You had me at Woody Allen. Maggie, you are such an amazing writer, woman, mother, wife, person (not necessarily in that order). Thanks for sharing the dream. I had an excellent vicarious thrill. (I had sex with Axl Rose back in his heyday in a wild dream...it was awesome. LOL!)

Love & Blessings,
Marion

Sarcastic Bastard said...

That was funny. I got one of those morning after pills once, and the Kmart pharmacist got all snippy and judgmental with me. Bitch.

marthagoudey said...

Thanks for making me smile out loud this morning. Beautiful.

kdk said...

You can't force those kind of dreams. You just have to enjoy them in the moment. Lucky duck.

leel said...

best. story. ever.
karma is so sweet sometimes. that'll teach him!
here's hoping for smoother nights and functioning birth control.

kelly louise said...

LOVE it! I agree entirely with Ms. Moon, so just re-read her comment.

mosey said...

Even in the midst of overwhelming exhaustion you have the clarity to write this yummy tidbit for us.

Wish I lived closer so I could come do all your laundry - its the one household chore I sort of actually enjoy.

Bron said...

So good in so many ways. This may be the best post ever.

*thinking*

Actually, yes. Yes it is.

Vashti said...

Really really smiling! xxx

Mwa said...

I love that dream. And I love hearing that other young parents find it hard to fit in regular sex. Not like I didn't know that already, but still...

Middle Child said...

hahahahaha you got him a beauty!

Jessica said...

I love this post! And, yay for dusting off the cobwebs, oh, and morning after pills!

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