Monday, April 8, 2013


Staying up late, drinking a beer, eating pretzels filled with peanut butter, when I had done so well being gluten free all week. Hells bells. It was a beautiful weekend with the kids. Not so much with my marriage. I am struggling to come out of a funk, compounded by my health issues. One doesn't cause the other, but when they happen together, it's very hard. I'm struggling mightily to write and it feels disgusting. Like a clogged drainpipe filled with old hair and pieces of soap and clumps of foot rot. I keep forgetting the words to everything. Fork. Clippers. Perishables. What is that? my kids are used to hearing me say. I feel tired of a lot of things and that is a great big warning bell. I've written two sentences that I've erased so far. That tells me a lot. I am tired of, most and foremost, having this great big enormous bounty of joy and love and divinity right in front of me in my children and being unable for it to really affect me, the way it has most my life, the way they do when I'm not sunk. Depression is very dramatic in its very dullness. Everything is so dulled and diminished that I literally feel underwater, but it is punctuated by enough times where I break through, taking in big desperate gulps of air , that I can move. I can move. I have had a lifetime of experience with depression and anxiety, and what I've learned most deeply is that lack of emotion is not an indicator that I don't care about something, and I must keep that closely in hand when making decisions. Once you come out of it, and the feelings flood back, it is a horrifying experience to realize you've said or done things that are not true to you, only true to depression. I have learned that lesson, and I abide by it devotedly.
I know these two are important.
Rachel Zoe often says certain fashion pieces are 'everything'.
I do not think that word means what she thinks it means.
These two are everything.

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