Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Ever Breaks It Down

Last night Ever rolled off the big bed in her sleep, head first onto the little mattress on the floor. I was online and I heard her tiny little voice in the darkness ' Oh I fall down! ' The cuteness factor of this age is over the top.

The obsessed with Mommy factor is over the top too. She loves Barney and the theme song ' I love you / you love me /we're a happy family ' but lately has been singing to herself:  ' I love Mommy ' I die.

Whenever she hears any child crying she gets extremely concerned and wants to find them and see if they are OK, all the while exclaiming ' Cryyyan? Cryan? ' This can be very awkward in Target. 

The sight of her tiny shoulder blades as she walks away from me slays me. The vulnerability.

I can't allow myself to stay depressed, because then I will get even more depressed that I missed these precious- no better word- and brief moments in time, with my very last baby. She and I aren't separated yet. The way that I parent leaves the independence cues to the child, and so far she's still momcentric. She loves Daddy and her family and can be away from me while I shop or spend time with Lola or whatever, but within a few hours she's looking for me, and my arms and chest space feel achy for her. She's getting two teeth and nursing more. I pick her up and she pats my breast and says in the most tender voice 'tootsie-eye', which means boobs. No matter my first or fourth child, the complete devotion and trust of a baby and child absolutely melts and reforms me into the best version of myself. I can be patient because she believes I will be; I can be loving because she believes I am; I can be strong because she believes I am. She is self confident and assured of her place in this world and the world's attitude toward her because she has perfect confidence in me. 

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