Sunday, March 21, 2010

see my underneaths? how they smile and fog, crawl and leap

This weekend I've had possible miscarriage symptoms. I am realizing how deeply embedded it is, into my cells, the June miscarriage at 13 weeks. At work on Friday I felt a wetness in my underwear while walking, and such a fervor faintedness came over me I thought I might fall to the floor, the room muddied it's perimeters and I knew that I must be bleeding, everywhere, losing my baby. The white large bathroom, the toilet, the pulling down of my pants, every moment like the crescendo of a great panic. There was no blood. Nothing. Just a sweaty browed woman in her 30's with her pants pulled around her ankles and a shaking in her heart. I understood at that moment what I was doing, trying to have another baby. How I would keep facing this loss. How like a pool of water, I would find my hand reaching for what must be the bottom and realize the shadows were deceiving and my hand keeps searching.

Saturday after a birthday party and sun and laughter, Mr. Curry, Lola and I came home to meet Lola's best friend for a playdate at our home. The aching began, over but mostly above my belly button, and back pain. I rested. It worsened. Last night I was sure I was to miscarry. Just waiting for the bleeding. The pain wouldn't let me sleep. It washed over me and I woke, fell back asleep, on and over. At 2 finally I slept. Today has been much better. It could be miscarriage imminent. I could be having pains from IBS. It could be stress. It could be endometriosis scar tissue. I run my hands over the baby, which Lola and I are calling Biggie-Pea, as a Reiki exercise, as a prayer. I am doing everything right. I am fighting as hard as I can to support my body to hold this baby, but if it is not healthy and made for this world, then my body will let it go. I was blood tested Friday for pregnancy (positive) and my thyroid function, which I will find out Monday or Tuesday, so if that needs to be adjusted at all, it will. I am taking and have been taking prenatals and fish oil and B vitamins to encourage the healthy uterine lining and hormone levels. I am not eating any soy products (endocrine disrupters) caffeine or alcohol.
I am not eating any gluten. I didn't do that last time because I don't have celiac, but I read that even gluten intolerance might be linked to miscarriage, so I'm gluten free. I'm eating veggies and fresh fruits and organics all the way. So meanwhile,

I have to figure out how to deal with the emotional strain of spending nights in pain and not knowing what's going to happen.

Mr. Curry is doing all the weekend chores today.

My sciatic nerve is hurting. It runs like an electric wire through my tailbone and buttcheek.

Mr. Curry, Lola and I watched Where the Wild Things Are on Friday and I can see why so many were upset. It is, in my opinion, a wonderfully made movie, but took an entirely different tone than would be expected. It's beautiful to watch and dark to feel. Like life.
krista said...

i'm dealing with some "area 51" pain myself today. (that's what i call my inside girl bits when they act out of sorts...they are full of government secrets sometimes, i feel.)i usually don't deal well with my pain. i'm not even sure what it is. cysts, fibroids, etc...those words get bounced around as though they have the power to make me feel better. rather, i'm fetal on the couch for stretches of time and utterly exhausted.
however...
i will embrace my pain, ask for yours and take it with love if that means your body will just chill the frack out and let this baby grow. i mean, i'm already dealing with some of my own, let's talk to the uterine universe about tacking on some more for me. i can handle it.
(i wish it were that simple, the handing over of pain to make others' go away.)

Maggie May said...

Krista what the heckit!!!that is so sweet- Thank you xoxoxoxoxo

deb said...

I don't know what to say, how to ease your fears, or your pain, or your sense of being so vulnerable to the price of love.

but I'm listening if that matters. and wishing it weren't so

saracita said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't be afraid to just let people take care of you.

Dancing Branflake said...

I can't imagine the strain of fears of having a baby. There is so much at stake, so much that could go wrong, and so much unknown. I commend you for your dedication to motherhood and your willingness to share it with all of us.

katiecrackernuts said...

Biggie-Pea. Biggie-Pea. Biggie-Pea.
I'm setting up a chant, a rhythm, a heart beat. All together now.

CitricSugar said...

Constantly asking your body not to miscarry is bound to put stress on it. I also understand the inanity of telling someone to relax and that the stress of trying to relax can result in the absolute opposite. I hope you can find a zen space in your mind to go - a place where you can mentally and emotionally let go and allow things to happen as they are meant to happen, positive or negative.
I wish nothing but good things for you and that your little spark will become a flame, burning bright and keeping you warm. I can't control the universe and how this all turns out but I can send you strength and metaphysical hugs from way over here, hoping that they pick up all the positive energy on their way to you.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Maggie. I'm thinking of you and wishing for that little one to stay tight and warm, inside of you. That's all. I'm wishing for and praying for that. Love and peace and resilience to you over and over.

YES Gallery + Studio said...

maggie! sending much love and light your way. you are such a brave and wondrous soul. i know how darn hard it is to relax and trust the process when you want something so badly. the stress of doing everything perfectly is, well, stress. keep breathing. keep trusting. surrender. (easy to say, i know.) whatever happens you will be okay. AS YOU ALWAYS ARE. thanks for sharing your journey with us. :) Leigh

The Kitten and the Bear said...

Maggie, what a horrible feeling. When I read this I felt my heart contract in terror.
I too have had a miscarriage, and the fear of it happening again has stopped me from even thinking about trying again.

A few years ago my brother was in a horrific car accident and broke his back. He was in terrible physical pain and shock while waiting to be cut out of the car.
Afterwards, it was the trauma of experiencing that pain, the fear of it hurting that badly again that was more hurtful than the actual injuries he received.
It was remembering that horrible pain that haunted him.

I'm not sure why, but your words reminded me of this. The fear, the trauma of remembered pain can do strange things to our mind and body.

I am praying for you - that you would have peace in your mind and body, that you would feel settled and grounded, that you would saturate every fibre of your being with strength and calm.

xx

just making my way said...

Oh, Biggie-Pea. You must try to stay, you are so wanted.

Praying for you the best way an agnostic can...

michellewoo said...

Delayed congratulations, Maggie, and crossing my fingers (squeezing them oh-so tightly) for the very best.

Captain Dumbass said...

Hold on, Biggie Pea, and stay healthy.

Allison the Meep said...

I'm sending good thoughts of growing and staying to Biggie-Pea.

One more thing you may want to avoid: agave nectar. I found out when I was like 8 months pregnant that it can cause miscarriage, and I'd been using it for several years every day in my coffee. Not cool.

Ms. Moon said...

Maggie I want you to know that even if all you were doing was eating pizza and drinking Coca Cola, if this is meant to be, it will.
You do everything you can to hang on to Biggie-Pea so that your heart will know you have, and if it is time, it will be.
I am sending you fierce love.

Brigindo said...

I'm pulling for Biggie-Pea over in this neck of the woods. I'm sorry to hear you're in pain.

Annie said...

Hi Maggie,

Wishing you all good things, but please realize, if something should happen to this baby, you have three wonderful children and a loving husband. Focus on that, as you do what you can for your body. You are doing all the right things with food, and stress, and no caffeine, but if it's not meant to be, you will be all right. Every day, you give love to your children, and the little ones you care for where you work. You do good things. You give to the world, and you are filled with love. I'm thinking of you, and wishing you comfort, and a sense of peace.

Valerie Loveland said...

Good luck, Maggie!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Maggie, as you said, "Deep breath".
And let's not forget Less stress most importantly.
I will be thinking of you and your family this Spring and Summer and Fall until Winter arrives.

My Word Verification is Anegl. I think it's an anagram.

(smiles)

anymommy said...

I'm thinking of you, Maggie May and your tiny biggie-pea. I know that fear. I'm swallowing it up for you as much as I can and sending you warmth and love and light and healthy, beautiful cell division.

Zip n Tizzy said...

I'm sending thoughts of beating hearts and sweetness for you and your little Biggie-Pea.

Whitney said...

Maggie May,

I'm new to your blog. I am praying for you and your baby's health.

Hope you have a sweet day, full of laughter.

On a side note, I loved the darkness of Where the Wild Things Are. It was just like life. Beautiful. Sad. Hard.

Whitney

Shana said...

I don't have anything that I can say to help make it better, other than to say I've totally been where you are. My pregnancy with first daughter, after having a second trimester miscarriage, was frought with exactly what you're describing. Every twinge, every tingle, I knew in my bones I was losing the baby. It's so stressful. You and your bun are in my prayers for a happy, healthy pregnancy : )

Therese said...

We are cheering for Biggie Pea. I remember the terror I felt (I was told I had an increase chance of miscarriage due to PCOS) in the early months after peeing on countless pregnancy tests for months and months. I had constant cramps and discomfort in the early weeks. I am hoping that little babe is just giving your uterus a work out and settling in for the long haul of amazing growth, love and life.

Sometimes it is a startling fright when I am suddenly aware of how little control I really have over so much of my life. You are already everything a baby could need. Lets hope it is meant to be :)
Blessings!

Vashti said...

Praying for peace to wash over you in a way that you have never known.
x

那又如何 said...

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Lydia said...

Biggie-Pea, what a special name for this tenuous being who is inspiring many of us Be Here Now. Mostly you: do you meditate? Soothes stress (maybe relieves pain) and would seem to provide a unique wavelength with Biggie-Pea.

Mwa said...

Maggie - I recognise what you write so much. I'm twenty weeks just now, and yesterday I thought again I was bleeding. I had so much pain the first few months - I think it was my ectopic pregnancy scars stretching. My hips hurt, too. The fear is too much.
What helped me so much was trying to have confidence in my baby. I named her Kate (I now know it's a boy) after a lovely third child I know. I decided that anything I was scared of would be strengthening her. (Running after my other two children, being stressed out sometimes, needing to push myself when I was too tired.) I tried to have confidence in my baby and decided that a good baby could handle anything I could throw at it.
I hope you can enjoy some of this, too. And obviously that you will have a beautiful beautiful baby.
x

Bex said...

Thinking of you, and the baby growing inside of you.

Petit fleur said...

Hey maggie,

I know you've had some kind of chronic health problems that are separate from pregnancy... could it be that your body just needs some extra support while it's adjusting to the new bio make up of pregnancy? I, myself have Lyme and I know my bodies responses to things are certainly not the same anymore...

I hate to suggest things, but I will. Maybe you could try trying to contain yourself to the house for a bit... spend some time relaxing (do yoga or whatever you need to to clear your mind and bring you some peace) See if maybe this first trimester is just your bodies rough period. Just a thought.

You are so in my thoughts and my heart. I will send as many good vibes as I can!
Peace,
pf

Catherine said...

Sticky thoughts, sticky thoughts...

I feel for you, the only other thing you can do is relax, but how can you relax? It's like lying awake at three in the morning, knowing you need to sleep and becoming more and more awake.

Anyway, meditation might help? Deep breaths. Thinking of you x

rachel... said...

Maggie, I understand. You can't imagine how many months of my life I've spent just waiting to miscarry. The constant, excriciating anxiety and analysis of every cramp and twinge and endless trips to the bathroom to check for blood. I bet you can imagine, actually.

I had cramps very early on with my successful pregnancies, so don't lose hope. I've got everything crossed for you!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You are in my thoughts, Maggie dear.

Sending you love,

SB

Steph(anie) said...

You're right, that pain could be a lot of different things. I'm sure the diet is a good thing, but otherwise all you can do is let go and see.

What you said about Where the Wild Things Are is right on.

Lola Sharp said...

Can I just tell you this: Often in early HEALTHY pregnancy there is pain/cramping and even spotting...it is often the healthy implanting! (the little pea to the uterus) Which is GOOD.

I had pain and spotted heavily through my entire pregnancy with my (now 14 yo) daughter. (yes, I was terrified the entire time and bugged my ob-gyn constantly)

A few years after my healthy daughter was born, I went through many miscarriages...and often had no warning cramps at all, until it was well into the loss.
(turned out my miscarriages were due to my progesterone dropping in the 7th week...so have your levels tested. There are pro. pills you can take if needed)

My point is, the symptoms you speak of can just as well be signs of HEALTHY implanting. I hope you can find some comfort in that.

Love,
Lola

Lola Sharp said...

Can I just tell you this: Often in early HEALTHY pregnancy there is pain/cramping and even spotting...it is often the healthy implanting! (the little pea to the uterus) Which is GOOD.

I had pain and spotted heavily through my entire pregnancy with my (now 14 yo) daughter. (yes, I was terrified the entire time and bugged my ob-gyn constantly)

A few years after my healthy daughter was born, I went through many miscarriages...and often had no warning cramps at all, until it was well into the loss.
(turned out my miscarriages were due to my progesterone dropping in the 7th week...so have your levels tested. There are pro. pills you can take if needed)

My point is, the symptoms you speak of can just as well be signs of HEALTHY implanting. I hope you can find some comfort in that.

Love,
Lola

magnoliaamber said...

Oh Maggie, oh Maggie.
Womb is strong. You are strong.
You have all of the family members with you and be patient and we all pray for you:)
do let us know about the progress... it is so lovely to read this, my mum has never told me about the progress of being a mother and as a barely grown-up, I want to learn more...

Maggie May said...

I am in a rush but had had to stop and say how very much every single comment of support and stories strengthens me. THis is what I will tell myself when I am afraid and it will help. WHat a gift. Thank you all xo

Magpie said...

Hoping for and with you.

Christine said...

Oh, Maggie, I can only only hope and pray, as previous posters before me, that this is just your Biggie-Pea settling in for the long haul, nice and comfy. Still sending sticky dust and hugs your way. I remember the cramps, the spotting, the looking at every piece of toilet tissue, the worry and anxiety. I hope it all amounts to nothing but a healthy pregnancy.

PalagiGirl said...

Maggie May, I'm thinking of you and your insides and your "pea" and sending all my good thoughts and love your way.

starrlife said...

After the trauma of loss it is impossible to feel completely safe. You are brave and normal and doing everything humanly possible- I hope for the best. Hugs...

JJ Keith said...

Oh yay! I'm so happy to hear that you're pregnant. I have each and every one of my fingers and toes crossed for you and that little creature taking up residence in your womb. I know it is so difficult to enjoy pregnancy after a miscarriage. Maybe it would help to remind yourself that you love your tummy buddy regardless of whether he or she is born. I just know I felt like I couldn't love my baby until she popped out and then I suddenly felt so sad that I had forbade myself from getting attached for all those months that she was inside of me.

swonderful said...

Oh Maggie. I know the fear. I'm praying for you and that little baby now.

Babe in Babeland said...

Ohmygoodness. I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you are feeling. I am so excited about your pregnancy, and I will be whispering prayers that the baby and you are doing well. It will all happen the way it is supposed to happen. You are exactly where you need to be! I'm not quite sure what else to say, but I am thinking of you and hoping hoping hoping.

Lisa said...

Have the doc run an ultrasound. Sincerely, Nurse Lisa

yolanda said...

oh, maggie, i am praying for you!!
yes!! you are having a baby!!!!

mucho amor
your yolanda

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

Maggie, you will be in my prayers..and if it's any consolation, I had lots of pain in the beginning with my third daughter and everything turned out fine. I have three girls, and am pregnant again (due Sept) My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage so I can relate with your fears. You are going to be in my daily prayers and since I am Catholic, I'll ask for Saint Gerard's prayers for you too and light a candle. He is the patron saint for motherhood and pregnancy.
Sending love your way.

Terresa said...

This post is so real, I feel it.

A friend of mine miscarried the other week. She's had 8 pregnancies in 10 years, and miscarried half of them. She told me she is now done. No more babies, wanting babies, trying for more babies. She is moving on.

Another friend of mine miscarried on St. Patrick's day. She was considering telling her 2 children that the leprechauns took it, but didn't want to damage their joy of the Green Day for good.

Hope you are well, sending you love and blessings and healing, through it all, and an acceptance of life, whatever it may be.

Kirie said...

Maggie, I have been right in that place you are. Those moments drenched in doubt are the worst. I hope you pass through them and into a time of trust and peace. It's so damn hard to do, I know. Sending you my strongest wishes that you have the beautiful pregnancy you want and deserve.

Kirie

Phoenix said...

sending love and tenderness and strength your way, my friend...

Love for all the hope that I want you to hold onto...

Tenderness for all the trials and challenges that you are already facing...

strength even though you have your own in spades.

Much love.

Mary said...

With you every minute on this ....

Hold strong

xx

Miss Grace said...

Hoping for you.

Woman in a Window said...

you are pregnant.
I say it to practice.
you are pregnant.
i say it as incantation.
holy shit. you are pregnant.
hoping hoping hoping.

really? there was fallout from where the wild things are? my daughter and i watched it last week, too, my wild one. and it told us to hold on, persevere. there was fallout from this. life is hard. family too.

xo
erin

Terri said...

i don't understand this feeling, and won't pretend to. but your words! OH! your words! i have to take a deep breath post-post because of their beauty. and then another for that biggie-pea.

littlemarymixup said...

i know your pain. big scary pain...and remembering how bad it feels...emotionally to keep thinking this may be it, this may be it. i lived that and then slowly, i felt peace wash over my body like a warm wave in the bath...i let go, i trusted and life happened...it's 13 1/2 years later and my bouncing baby boy is taller than me. life is good. it's sad to lose life. traumatic to think what might have been...i still wonder about that other time. who would that be? i love whoever that was....forever whoever will be with me...and you. i wish you peace and more peace to love your family...

Jenn said...

I know you said you're doing a Reiki exercise of your own. A very good friend of mine is certified in Reiki (forget all the details, aren't there different styles/levels or something? not sure...) and she happens to live in Bonsall which isn't all that far from your area. If you are interested in seeing her I'll definitely get you her info. Email me at randomlunacy11 [at] yahoo [dot] com.

Take care Maggie ♥

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