Monday, April 26, 2010

List: Ridiculous Things About Me That Are Unfortunately True

1.* I am feeling unreasonably, embarrassingly sad for Brett Michaels. I wake up and think, Did Brett Michaels die today? God I hope not.

2. When I vomit, sometimes I pee, too. So sometimes, I'm crouched on the floor with one hand on the toilet, and one hand trying to cram toilet paper in my undies before I pee on myself. Awesome.

3. I sneeze frequently lately, and always twice, and always at about 10,000 decibels, so that when I sneeze at work, babies cry.

4. I am worried daily that my family is stepping on and killing the snails that keep crawling on our front walkway. I remind them daily not to step on and kill said snails, which they don't, but I still worry. Then today I looked at my large lovely green leaved plant, which I love, and said horrified, What is eating my plant? And Mr. Curry just looked at me and sighed and said Snails.

5. Lola stayed home from school with head lice today. I read up on how to treat it, and bought the right materials- tea tree oil and a lice comb. I spent two hours combing out her hair, and when I was done, I treated her head to the tea tree oil, rubbing it in. Only I had missed the part where it said concentrated tea tree oil, which meant that Lola's head turned the color of boiled lobster and she began shrieking It burns! Owww!! and Mr. Curry and I ran around like fools washing her hair- didn't work- putting an ice pack on her head- didn't work- mixing up baking soda and water- slightly worked- and finally leaving her head under running water for a length of time. Mother of the year. No lice or eggs could have survived that. It was like the Lice Holocaust.


* In reading this list said reader agrees not to use any of the revealed facts against the author in the future.
jess said...

Awww, poor Lola. My parents once used gasoline on our hair. It was so painful and made me so high from the fumes, I had an out-of-body experience. How's that for crazy parenting?

Petunia Face said...

Oh, thank god I am not the only one so concerned about Bret Michaels. Seriously, my stomach is in knots thinking about his health and I cannot even sing one Poison song all the way through.

Jo said...

Oh those darned snails. Killing them, though, is mildly disgusting....the crunch and all.

I hope your daughter's scalp is feeling better, cooler.

And now I'm off to google the sitch on Brett Michaels.

:)

Laoch of Chicago said...

Having had a stroke I can tell you that what Michaels is going through is pretty dreadful. I do not think it is unreasonable to feel some compassion for him, regardless of what kind of lifestyle he was leading before he got sick.

Vashti said...

It is 6am here in South Africa nad I have just woken up. You post was the first thing that I have read today and you made me smile. Thankyou.
(oh I didnt smile about the Lola part, that was sad, poor Lola)

Ellen said...

It can be so hard to be human, a mother (and father), to protect nature (even when it is little snails who leave unusual art work in the leaves)....yes....but ain't it grand all the same?

I think I must have just been lucky with the head lice...I use to worry that one of my kids would come home with a note pinned to their shirt with a "can't come back to school till lice are gone" on it. And the tea tree sounded like a soothing deal..you all must have been screaming and running all over the house!

Now sit down and give some hugs to each other.....

mosey said...

I am the same from start to finish. sigh....

La Belette Rouge said...

It is a good and noble thing to feel sad for a sick man. No need to apologize or worry that anyone would ever hold that against you. And if someone did they should reincarnate into a snail who isn't lucky enough to live in front of your house.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, I shudder at the lice thing. Both of my boys and I had a terrible breakout several years ago that I still feel a bit traumatized by. Previously, I used to make fun of people who complained about what a pain lice was. When it happened to me, I was obsessed. It was all I talked about and I just could not let it rest. Here's hoping that the concentrated tea tree oil did what it was supposed to do and that Lola's head feels better soon!

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

When you sneeze, do you pee too?

Head lice. Gross. Don't know anything about that. Nope. Nothing at all.

But I've heard from a very reliable source that 1) Chorine in pools isn't strong enough 2) smearing with oil and sticking a plastic bag on their hair for an hour or two doesn't work 3) consider buying that lice shampoo in bulk 4) get comfortable combing through her hair 5)take her clothes to the laundromat. Dries on higher temperature.

Not that I'd know anything about lice...

Angie Muresan said...

Oh dear! When I was pregnant I had little bladder incontinence issues whether I sneezed, coughed or laughed.

PurestGreen said...

When I was still a baby my mom thought she was spraying me with insect repellent but actually she sprayed me with Raid. Since I found out I naver let her forget. We have a good laugh over it.

I loved this post. :)

Terresa said...

Head Lice. Yipes. I know those guys, very well, probably 20 times over. Actually, I lost count when I lived in Uruguay, it was either myself or my roommates getting them again and again and again...you get the picture.

Tea Tree Oil smells mmmm. You are such a dear mama. At least Lola will smell good as those lice drown! ;)

Julie@beingRUBY said...

hahaha... sorry about Lola's head.. can't believe I'm going to admit to this.. but lately i have #2 problem also.. ie pt2 not #2... haha thought i was the only strange one... Have a great week.. Julie

Mwa said...

I love love love that list. You made me laugh with the snails.

Umatji said...

oh sorry, I just laughed at your poor girl getting the lice treatment. Hey we all have bad mother stories - just most people don't tell teh general public. And the wee stuff as well. But hey - must feel very airy to get it all out there. Is it odd that no one comments and then me - who just came by on a whim and found you today? I feel obliged to tell you something so it's not like going through the undie drawer at a strangers house. Um, um. I must say, I unwittingly pick my nose in the car an awful lot and I suspect, that despite knowing that all children go through a phase, I truly suspect that I actually taught my son to pick his nose. Well, there you go. Glad I stopped by.

jaykbee said...

lol. I might be inspired to share too. But I'll consider the ramifications carefully. loll

Kate said...

I've been thinking about Brett Michaels a lot as well - my Mom died of the same thing and I hate to hear about other people suffering from it.

Oh no, poor Lola! I hope she's feeling better today.

Ms. Moon said...

And these things only make me love you more ridiculously.

Ocean Girl said...

Interesting. And I don't think they are ridiculous.

Karlijn said...

Sorry, but who is Brett Micheals?
Briljant writing.. Like:
Mom of the year!

You should write something like:
"What NOT to do when you have head lice." Or "How you definetly kill head lice." XD

Keep writing! Love your blog and posts

Greets Karlijn..

Petit fleur said...

Oh Maggie! It will get better...

You did make me giggle with the snails and the lice Holocaust. I still remember getting lice when I was just about Lola's age. yech!

Kiss her little sore head for me.
Hang in there.
xo
pf

Marion said...

OMG, I feel your pain. I've had Brett Michaels on my mind, too. He's so young....My 2 daughters got head lice more than once in elementary school. Oh, God, what a pain in the butt....they had LONG hair and it was so hard to get those nits out. You do know you have to treat them twice, again in one week after the eggs have hatched. Also, wash all her bedding in very hot water and run her pillow through the dryer, too. Oh, the joys of parenthood! Good luck and may the force be with you. :-) Blessings!

jennifer said...

haaaaaaha. i once cleaned my cat's ears with a little alcohol & cotton balls and he screamed & screamed and then i realized i was using nail polish remover! no, that horrible smell didn't tip me off at all.

RottenMom said...

I feel the same about Bret Michaels. Sad. I sneeze and pee. One time I was in a store and had to go home to change my pants. Thanks for sharing your Unfortunately Trues.

Miss Malorie said...

You are hilariously real. I love this list.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am unnecessarily worried about Brett Michaels, too. Clearly, I need help.

Lauren Knight said...

Ha, ha, ha! You are hilarious! That sounds miserable, but you obviously have such a positive spin on things. Good for you for seeing the comedy in life's misadventures!

Jeanne said...

How many of us would pass an unexpected visit from Children's Services if the timing was just right?

Hilarious list.

The Empress said...

NO worries! I heard Brett is up and doing better with the slurred speech. Rest easy now...

enjoyed your musings...

Allegra Smith said...

One thing to do that I learned when we lived in Hawaii was to make a hot infusion of ginger, as in boiling a big piece of ginger root in water and letting it cool to room temperature and make sure to rinse the hair with that every day, letting it sit for a spell to saturate the hair and then use the special comb to fight the little interlopers.

Whether it was just make believe or not I cannot tell, I had no children at that time, but I know that my neighbor was happy with the results. It may sooth Lola's head as well, and slugs - snails are a different story - are the most voracious, vicious little invertebrates capable of destroying everything it took you months to plant, overnight.
Rethink your position, my dear unless you want a yard crawling with the little stormtroopers and nothing but slime to look at.
(Scary enough? I have more where this came from) Hugs from here.

Magpie said...

I tried to run around the high school track in a misty drizzle yesterday, following a day of the same, and it was covered with worms. I went home.

Julia Christie said...

Poor lola - laughed out loud about the vomit / pee part! So funny! I cannot jump on the trampoline with any kind of a full bladder (thanks to five pregnancies).
Sigh.

Sad for bret michaels too because no one should have to go through anything so traumatic.

Smiles and have a better day!

Phoenix said...

LOL you are so awesome. This is life, in all its glory, and you gotta just laugh.

At least that's what I keep telling myself...

Beth said...

Gesundheit!
So sorry to hear you’re still being sick – along with that other added bonus...

anymommy said...

Oh. Peeing and puking together. Yikes. May the lice be gone and all heads fully recovered.

POPPY FRENCH said...

Godamn head lice! Teatree always works though :)

Maggie May said...

she still has nits in her hair! sent home from school! argh!

downhomegirl17 said...

Maggie, the one thing that worked for my daughter when she got a bad case of lice was to smother her hair and scalp in mayonnaise (generic works fine) then put a shower cap over her hair and leave it for a good half hour or so. The oil in the mayo kills them dead.
Sorry you're going through that, it can be a real pain in the ass.... Hope her scalp feels better soon and that it didn't burn her too badly. NOT YOUR FAULT, I repeat.....

Valerie Loveland said...

Aw, I feel the same way about the snails. I still feel bad about the one that I stepped on 6 years ago.

Bethany said...

Oh gosh, fantastic list. The snail thing was brilliant.
But poor Lola. Poor mama!

Teachinfourth said...

I've been in education for about 10 years and I'm happy to report that I've never had a case of head lice, though I've had students in my classes with it.

To be honest, it makes you want to burn all of your clothes and shave your head, doesn't it?

Bee said...

As a veteran of the lice problem, I recommend this:

Slather the head in cheap conditioner, and then comb through (repeatedly) with a Nitty Gritty comb. It is painless, and the only method that really works.

Katie said...

I'm the same with sneezes, except I tend to sneeze 4 or 5 times in a row until my colleagues get tired of saying bless you and people look at me funny.

thais. said...

the true you is so much fun! love reading your words... always ;)

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