Sunday, August 29, 2010

Under Pressure

Every year at this time there is a change that begins with the sky and falls pressurized into my body, altering the cells. My brain shifts. I can hear the noticeable movement of fault lines. This year the fault lines seize. They are under pressure.

As September begins I am underground. I have no zoloft. I am in physical pain which lights anxiety as perfectly as match to flint. I am unsure if I will be able to keep my job. Tomorrow I go back to work after last week's rib refract and chiropractic adjustment, to see if this small tongue clicking sound like my body chastising itself will end up with a truncated rib, and disability. Disability which means half reduction income. Half reducted income during the exact same month our roomate has moved out. During the same week when Dakota's testing- this Tuesday- occurs, and we have saved money in a white crumpled envelope in our desk drawer to pay for this, money which now leaves a hole in our rent check. I have $24 dollars left after groceries, which I bought with extreme care. We are so fucked.

I go to work on my novel and look at the words and cry. I have nothing to say for my characters. I have no plot line for them to dance to. I have only the blinking stare of the computer and three years worth of work which has never brought me a penny and maybe never will. Still I have to write. I have to write. Not being able to write is like not being able to cum. I sit in the chair and stare at the blinking computer and press my fingers down harder as if the pressure will emit some signal my brain WRITE WRITE WRITE because not writing is hurting. Not writing is leaning forward for an hour and trying to write and crying in frustration because nothing happens. Nothing is said or done or thought. I love my novel and I cannot keep it alive. It sits there fading on life support while I breathe futile and heavy into it's mouth. No air comes. Nothing comes. I am too afraid to write because if I write and I cannot sell my words then the dream I hold onto to get me through all these years of poorpoorpoor will die and I do not allow myself to go there. I cannot write because I am depressed. Anxious. Fucked.

Lola and I played with her little fairy toys earlier. I kept my eyes on her shining face to restrain the overwhelming boredom. Yes, now she is giving you the magic honey potion and you can fly! Oh Lola. I hope I fake it just right.

I watch reality tv late at night and want to hit myself in the head with a hard object. The pointlessness of everything is magnified a million times in every show. Watching the bodies flail and fuck and humiliate every gift and opportunity given reaffirms depression. I change the channel. So and so is dead. A little girl is molested, and dead. I change the channel. Spend a hundred dollars or be fat forever. I change the channel. I turn off the tv. I try to read and the words mean. nothing. This is the anvil of fuckedness. It has dull eyes and a stupid tongue without taste buds and bursts into tears when it takes a shit and there is no toilet paper on the roll. The ugly tiny me rolls in self pity. My legs and ankles are swollen and hideous, my face is exhausted, I look old and not special and I don't care how many times Mr. Curry tells me I am beautiful I don't believe him at all. Hopefully I'll believe him next week, on Tuesday maybe. Let's shoot for that.

I cannot taste food. The chocolate wafer bars this afternoon lay on my tongue like cardboard. I need to eat and have no appetite, feel sick when I don't eat feel sick when I do. I lay in bed at night and hold my hands in a prayer vigil. The thought runs What are we going to do? As if I have the answer. As if asking will produce solution. And the thought runs What are we going to do? And I think of mothers whose children have cancer, who live in starvation, who cannot protect their children from elemental harm and still sweat pools between my breasts and my chest is tight in fear and the though screams What are we going to do? If we can't pay our rent. If we lose this house and have no money for a downpayment for a new rental.

We planned and it all fell through. We had a roomate and she left early. We had savings and they have been used. We had my job until November and I injured my rib and missed half my days of work. Now we have half of a paycheck coming on the seventh with half the money needed to make rent.

This is not a love story.
Ms. Moon said...

Sssh, sssh, sssh. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Maggie- the universe loves you too much to let you suffer so. I promise.
Soon there will be joy. I know it. Soon there will be answers. I am sure of it. Soon there will be new life in your arms and you will be taken care of. I know it. I believe it.
See that weight falling off your chest. Let it fly away. Do what you need to do which is rest and heal.
There are those of us who can survive. You are one of them.

Marion said...

Oh, Maggie! I hate to hear this. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now. I recall many bad, hard times in my life and they do pass, they do.

Why don't you put a 'Donate' button on your blog from Paypal so we can help you? I try to give when I'm able to help people, worthy causes and to food banks. Sending you love, prayers and blessings. xoxo

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, Maggie. This is all such a bummer! I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'll be thinking about you and hoping for the best...

Allison the Meep said...

Check your email - Just sent a little love to you.

Elizabeth said...

We will rock you in our arms and take care of you. It will be all right. It's all right. You will be all right.

mosey said...

I'm so sorry - for all of it. The rib, the anxiety, the worry, the finances. (I had a similar rib injury - it took a couple of chiro treatments and seemed to resolve itself - I hope it's the same for you)

much much love to you.

Marylinn Kelly said...

Adding prayers, love, blessings, peace, quiet mind, trusting heart. So many fronts to the battle, too many to take on alone. I am so sorry this is all coming at you. As Ms. Moon has said, I too believe soon there will be answers. I think you have a large and powerful cheering section; let us send you strength.

Gina said...

i almost cried when i read this; i know exactly how it feels to be miserable, scared and anxious.
you write beautifully, one day you will finish your novel.
i agree w/ marion; put a donate button at the bottom of the page.
you will be surprised at the kindness of others.
i know this is a personal question but why did you stop your zoloft? is it bc you are pregnant? i've read alot lately about how if the mother needs it, it will be better for you and your baby in the long run. <3 gina

Holly said...

reading this makes MY chest tight for you. how can we help?

Therese said...

Find something to hold on to and breathe. Your talent is bigger than your anxiety. Sending love and strength. Cradle your growing miracle and soak up all the love. This will pass. Until it does, we are all thinking of you...

Claire Beynon said...

Dear Maggie - we are listening. These are really tough times. Please do as Marion suggests --- create a 'donate' button on your blog and allow us to contribute what we can to get you through? This is what being a community is all about.
Love ++, C xx

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

When things get really shitty I too think of the people who are going through much worse than I am and you know something, it doesn't make me feel better. The guilt of being unhappy just makes it worse.Keep in mind that the most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.I truly believe that we can overcome any hurdle that lies before us and create the life we want to live. I have seen it happen time and time again.

svasti said...

Ahhh. I know how this is. Just... so doesn't feel great in any way.

BUT I do believe things will work out. Somehow. Seems it always does, even when you can't possibly see how.

Just have a little faith in the abundance of the universe. There will always be enough. There will. xo

The Momma said...

Dear Maggie,

I sent you a little something-it's not much as it's the end of the month, but I'm sure you can find use for it. I admire you, your determination and resolve, and I know in my heart that this too shall pass.

Second the "donate" button idea.

Giulia said...

I feel for you, Maggie. It's been 11 years on disability for me. I thought it would be 6 months.

I don't know about the universe loving you & all of that...it's a bit much for someone who has been through what I (& many others) have...but there it seems there are a lot of people in that universe who want to help. Take it. That's my best advice. I wouldn't for a long time.

More when I can. I will be thinking of you...

(And never apologize for having to write. Any writer knows it; the others, you can't worry about what they think.)

xo

controllingaspicyuniverse said...

You are doing the right thing by writing out your anxieties. I've found, in my writing, that I've literally written myself out of depressive episode and writer's block. Keep writing everything down, sometimes little flashes of gold peek through the grey - and you've both made yourself feel much better and created something new and beautiful.
You guys will be o.k. I will be sending lots of prayers up and out and all around for you and your lovely family.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I couldn't say anything any better than Ms. Moon said. Ms. Moon is always right.

Love you, dear girl.

Josey said...

I'm so sorry to read how you've been hurting Maggie. I like Ms. Moon's "sssh, sssh, sssh" - sometimes we all just need someone to "mother" us and calm us and remind us that things will work out.

I agree with the others - put a donate button your page. I'm positive that you have a loyal group of friends & followers who will help out where possible.

Drax said...

A donation button might work wonders. May not solve all your problems, but it would help.

~L said...

Maggie May~
you have consistently shared your magic with me and I feel honored to know your truth. I believe the blog posts you have written could form a beautiful book. Please let us help financially, you deserve to receive. I'm praying for you and your family's peace and perseverance.
Love,
~L

T. Clear said...

"Donate" button! Yes!

I've been there too, existed there for many years....

Life can and does indeed change in ways one could have never imagined.

I would happily pay to read this magnificent blog.

xxT.

(wv: weept)

Petit fleur said...

Keep faith Maggie. I know it sounds cheesy as all get out, but me and my fam were in very dire straights for the last 4 years. Constantly living on the brink of financial disaster seemingly... We still don't bring in what we need, but things have greatly improved.

It will happen for you too. I know it will.
xoxo m

ButtonHole said...

Maggie--I want to add my urging for the donate button as well. A little from several people, not even enough to miss per person, will help out. If it's not up in a week, I'm mailing something. SO THERE!

Hope you feel better very very soon.

mrs.notouching said...

I love you and your art. Let us help you. Please.

starrlife said...

Hugs and the best, most powerful positive thoughts I have. Wish I had more.

Angella Lister said...

maggie, maggie. it is a love story. it is. bless you.

previous next